That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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