I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
