Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
