went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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