wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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