Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
