Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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