I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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