i don't like sucking hair
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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