haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
