Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
