She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
