what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
