This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
