I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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