Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
