I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
