I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
