so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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