She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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