The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My bed smells like the plague
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