I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
