You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
