also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
