my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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