So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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