In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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