and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
