but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
