Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
