The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just invented taco cereal.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
