Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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