I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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