i already hear my dad disowning me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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