my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
