Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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