If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
