Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
