Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
