I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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