So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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