just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
