Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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