awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
