none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
