I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
