first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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