Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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