Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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