I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
