New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
