nut hugger
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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