the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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